Well, if TIME magazine says so...

And the TIME magazine Person of the Year is... me. Yes, it's me. Not you. Me. Me, the guy who slaves away in his basement to give you quality entertainment. See, they even have a little mirror on the computer just to remind myself that I, El Patro, am the person who has contributed to mankind the most this year. I am a shining beacon of light to the world, and don't you forget it. Because I have TIME magazine to prove it. There it is, right in fron of your face.

I am the Person of the Year. Not you.

New blog review, yes!

My blog just got reviewed by Heaven Nose. Here's what the Schnoz (left) and Goldilocks (right) had to say about me:

The Schnoz: Being a blog reviewing Superhero isn't just about having a good time and making fun of sad people. Along with the occasional cock push up, I also spend my time playing videogames and listening to music. The Schnoz was already playing videogames in a time that Pong was considered next gen. You ask why you had to wait so long for a new post? Well, here is your answer.
Could it be that someone who likes Sonia Belle has the same great taste as the Schnoz? It seems unlikely, but hey, a coupla Superheroes reviewing blogs is pretty unbelievable too. So I present to you: El Patro, Sonia Belle reader and Schnoz-clone.
Somehow, I can't seem to admit that I like El Patro. Why should I? Just because he has entertaining game/movie reviews on his blog, I have to like the guy? Even Hitler was pretty nice, apart from his slayings of Jews, gypsies and homosexuals. Does that mean I have to like Hitler? Besides: Sometimes it's cool to be mean to your readers, it shows you're above them.
Oh, to hell with it. I love El Patro. Nay, I luuv him. His blog is about VIDEO GAMES. Need I say more? Like I said in a previous post: we need less blogs about sex and more blogs about funny animals and video games. Even Hitler did some pretty neat stuff (the autobahns, reviving the economy, etc.). So dontcha go sending no Verfassungsschutz on my ass, people. I know, I know, the Holocaust was a terrible thing. But are we gonna be a glass is half empty or a glass is half full civilization?Since Goldilocks has no interest in my videogames, I am seriously considering teaming up with this El Patro instead. I could change my name to El Schnozerino...

Goldilocks: El Patro pestered and bribed us into writing this review ... El Patro is a man with a very tragic background (i.e. his mama was a prostituteand his dad was Dr. Evil) and he likes video games,sushi, the Simpsons, Family Guy, books, movies, journalism, Chinese food and even poetry. He's a pretty multi-faceted guy all around with just enough trace of nerdiness. Awesome!After reading his blog, the thought resounding in my blonde head was: "Hey, I'd tapthat."

Thanks, Heaven Nose! You guys are the real heroes!

Video game Wednesday

So, I just got Dead Rising. (screenshot above) It's pretty hard, but even the most inexperienced of players can take joy in clubbing the undead with park bench, a samurai sword, an umbrella, a shotgun, a shopping cart, a chair, dinner plates, gemstones, boomerangs, chainsaws, books, a novelty plastic lightsaber, novelty masks, teddy bears, cash registers, sledgehammers, scythes, potted plants, cars, bicycles... Oh, the screenshot is an outfit you can get, not the standard one. Cause that would be gay.

Speaking of video games, the Spike Video Game Awards are on at 10:00 eastern tonight. Tenacious D IS A MUSICAL GUEST!! ROCK ON!!

Are you on the list?

Anyone see Heroes the other night? Well, Peter died, Eden shot herself, Sylar escaped, Hiro has to fight a T-Rex, the Haitian is helping Claire, Zach got his mind wiped, D.L. got shot, Niki got arrested, Matt once again is trying to deal with that ugly FBI agent chick, Mohinder is back in Brooklyn, Isaac figured out he can paint the future without getting stoned, Micah broke his arm, and did I mention Peter died? Too bad they won't be showing episodes again until January 11, but I'm not complaining. Anyway, I'm actually kind of happy Peter died. I am so sick of him. What is his power, anyway? First he's like, "I think I can fly." And then he's like, "Oh, wait, I think I can paint the future like Isaac." And then he's like, "I think I can absorb the abilities of other Heroes." And now he's like, "I think I'm the bomb Isaac painted." So what the hell is he?

Also, I have a theory. I think Nathan is evil. Think about it.

1. He had an affair just half a year after his wife got crippled.

2. He is unable to even admit he can fly.

3. If you woke up one day and you can fly, wouldn't you do it as much as you can, secretly? Man has dreamed of flying for centuries, and this guy can't even admit to himself he can do it.

Oh, and I still think Claire's father is totally evil. And Sylar. Sylar is definitely evil.

Snowed in: The Aftermath

I finally got rid of that big wall of crap blocking my garage door. How? I simply poured ten gallons of salt all over it and it all melted. Thank God for chemistry. Now I can go to work! Oh? It's Sunday, you say? *sigh*

Also, in honor of World AIDS Day which was yesterday, I put this nifty ribbon on my sidebar. Nice.

Snowed in

Oh yeah. It snowed last night. It snowed so hard, every school within fifty miles of my house is closed. And here I am, stuck inside, my garage door unable to open thanks to a huge wall of snow. Whew, what a day. I have been shoveling all morning, but I guess I'll just hire someone with a truck. I must admit though, it is a lot of fun playing with my dog all day and making snowmen. Ha, I sound like an eight-year-old. Well, pray for me and hope I don't catch pneumonia.

On the bright side, I can catch the season finale of Avatar.

Snoop Dogg Arrested for Gun and Drug Possession

Again? What is this, like the 57th time?

Anyhow, aren't guns and drugs like standard gangsta gear? I wouldn't know, that is. ;-)

Nike+

So I was at Nordstrom yesterday ("God Patro, what were you thinking? It's two days after Thanksgiving!"). Sure, it was crowded as a Krispy Kreme on the season premiere of The Biggest Loser, but I actually found some great shoes that hadn't already been sucked up by the mainstream. I was in the men's department, and I decided to go look at the shoes. I was looking around when I saw this whole exhibit that said:" Nike+. Experience it" or something like that. So I found those great-looking shoes above, tried them on, and bought them. They're really cool shoes.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

=

Ah, Thanksgiving. The one time of year when everyone stuffs themselves and no one counts calories. Turkeys run for their lives!

Everybody have a very happy Thanksgiving!

Guy pwned by girl!

Watch a hot girl strangle a tough-looking guy with her legs! Every man's dream....

III7

So it's out today. The long-anticipated PlayStation 3 came out midnight last night. I don't really want one (I have an Xbox 360), but I am a bit intrigued by it. It has a built-in Blu-Ray player which probably won't do too well because HD-DVD has apparently been more successful so far,and it also has built-in wi-fi. But probably the thing that interests me most about it is the thing that nobody cares about: tilt-motion tech. Inside the controllers apparently is something that tilts very fast (NOTE: I AM TOTALLY ASSUMING THIS FROM THE NAME) to make it vibrate, unlike rumble which was used in the Xbox 360.

On another note, I have discovered a cute video with a sad ending on YouTube called KIWI! Go ahead and search fo it, if you want.

Emergence Day

It's finally here.

Deer in a store

Now you can really save a buck at Target.

Tendjewberrymud

This was in a bathroom book I read a while ago.

"The following is a telephone conversation between a hotel guest and room service in a hotel somewhere in Asia.
Room Service (RS): Morny. Ruin orbees.
Guest (G): Sorry. I thought I called room service.
R: Rye, ruin orbees, morny! Jewish to odor sunteen?
G: Uh, yes, I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July den?
G: What?
RS: Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Scrambled, please.
RS: Ow July dee baychem, crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Hokay. And San tos?
G: What?
RS: San tos. July San tos?
G: I don't think so.
RS: No? Judo one toes?
G: I feel really bad about this, but I have no idea what 'Judo one toes' means.
RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping with bother?
G: English muffin!! I get it! You said 'Toast'. Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No, just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter... just put in on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy.
G: Yes, coffee please, and that's all.
RS: Copy? One Minnie. Ass ruin Torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy, rye?
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tendjewberrymud.
G: You're welcome.

Since I gave you a joke/skit thing, you now mu st give me something. I recently purchased an aloe vera plant from Home Depot and guess what, I have no clue how to take care of it. So...

Please dig up any information possible on the care of an aloe vera plant. How often to water it, what kind of fertilizer to give it, how much light it likes, etc. Do this, and I will be most pleased. Don't do it, and I shall wreak a terrible curse upon you and your children for all eternity. Seriously, just do it or not, I don't care, but at least one person has to do it. Gracias!

And now for the greatest announcement all day. Drumroll, please....

HALO WARS!!!!!!

The brains at Ensemble Studios (the guys who brought you Age of Empires, one of my favorite games ever) have started working on one of those games that make you go "AWESOME!!!" They have started something so incredible, so amazing, so obvious yet so cool. That game is Halo Wars. They made a Halo RTS!!

For those of you not "in the know", an RTS is gamespeak for real-time strategy game. There are two types of strategy games in the universe: turn-based and real-time. As you might guess, turn-based is very similar to chess but with tanks. You and your opponent take turns to demolish each other or run away like a little girly-man. While it may take more brains, I consider turn-based games to be unnecessarily long and tedious. So I prefer RTS games such as Age of Empires. Age of Empires involves using villagers to build a city and then an army even while your opponent is doing the same. Once you have the fightingest army you can build, you lay seige to your opponent's city and then kill every man, woman, child, and dog to win. Or you can just build a Wonder, whatever you feel like. Now that you get the idea, (I hope) we can get on to the game. Halo Wars will be coming out for the Xbox 360, the awesomest game system in the awesomest market on the awesomest planet in the awesomest universe. It's plot is set before the events of Halo 1, and is about a group of marines marooned somewhere with those pesky Covenant doing all they can to beat the living snot out of these guys. It's too early to say more, but I can guarantee you Halo Wars is gonna rock the world.

Have you ever...

OK, this was on Nicole's blog, and I felt like doing it. You have to boldface all of the items you've actually done. Items in parentheses are my own take on them.
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had/Have amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your cds
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie (I was on the crashing plane in Superman Returns)
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in a Rocky Horror Picture Show
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication (under the pseudonym Hunter S. Thompson)
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth (my dog)
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery (it involved number 104)
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read “The Iliad”
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office (mayor)
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair (blue)
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life (it involved numbers 119, 104,and 91)

Edoc Laundry

Edoc Laundry is something called an Alternate-Reality Game (ARG). In these games, players must solve puzzles, visit websites, and sometimes answer cryptic telephon calls. Edoc Laundry (backwards for "code") ingeniously blends cool shirts with this idea. Here is an example.

In this shirt, you turn in inside out to find the phrase: "Nothing to Hide". Underneath it are drips of paint matching the ones on the shirt, except they spell out "Nothing to Hide". Using this key you spell out the message on the shirt itself: CALL ME A PATRIOT. Go to Edoc's website, find the hidden link, and enter in this code. This will give you a video clip; the next clue in a mystery involving murder and a band called Poor Richard. Minus the Da Vinci Code-style sleuthing, the shirts come in cool colors, are well made and pretty hip. The one drawback is that they run a little small, so be warned.

And yes, Sonia, I know you have no interest in this whatsoever.

El Patro, Banner, and Poll makes three!

We got a poll in da house! There will be a new one every week, so start voting! Also.... instead of a blog description, I have a banner courtesy of Sloganizer. It has a new slogan for Tijuana Tortilla every 30 seconds. Now that's efficiency! If you don't like the style, let me know and I'll change it. El Patro, signing off.

Back by popular demand

I've gotten a lot of e-mails asking for more Red vs. Blue, so here is episodes 2-5. Here's the first one too in case you missed it.

The Last Stand

So I saw it today. I don't see why critics are giving a bad rap. I think it's a good movie, with only some corny dialogue and this extremely gay dude.

Other than that it's excellent. The movie begins with the future Magneto and the not-yet-wheelchair-bound Professor Charles Xavier interviewing young Jean Grey. They invite her to bea student at "Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters", the boarding school where mutantslearn to use their powers. It then cuts ten years later to Mr. Gay up there trying to saw his wings off. It then goes on to reveal a "cure" for mutation. Magneto and his Brotherhood are against it, as are the X-Men. Only Magneto wants to kill people and blow up stuff to make his point. Also, Jean Grey is reborn as The Phoenix, her dual-personality ten times more powerful as her old self. Obviously she cannot control it, and ends up killing Cyclops and a few others. I can't really say any more without putting a big SPOILER ALERT!!! on top, so you have to see it yourself now!

A momentous occasion

I, El Patro, author of Tijuana Tortilla, have just celebrated his 1000th visitor.

GO ME!!!!!!